I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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