we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I need moral support for this bender
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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