she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
