I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
