i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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