went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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