love makes seman taste better
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Did you pee in the oven last night??
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
