"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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