you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
