When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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