So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Randomize
