They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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