i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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