my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
