I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
