my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
