My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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