i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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