Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
