Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
