I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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