So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
