I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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