you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
