You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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