what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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