You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
