can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
