So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I lost the right to judge tonight
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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