moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
