Michael Bay diarrhea
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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