So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
