she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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