I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
