i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Boobs are out for the taking
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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