before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
