**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
