i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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