Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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