this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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