i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
