I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
