i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i think my cat just said my name.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
