thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
