That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
