Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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