my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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