I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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