After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
