Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
