I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
